10.  (TIE!) Despicable ME & How To Train Your Dragon

Is 2010 the best year for animated features?  If not, it’s definitely close.  Here’s something else for aspiring animation studios, and animators alike, your films better be damn good if you hope to be taken seriously.  Animation by nature forces it’s creators to pay strict attention to detail, every frame is examined and peered over to verify accuracy in color, lighting, etc.  Maybe that’s why when done correctly the story’s feel tightly pieced together.  Whatever it is, we’re all better off for it.  Despicable ME is quite possibly my pick for funniest film of the year, and definitely in the top 3 for best score (Go Pharell!), also, it marks the first release for Illumination Studios, nice start out the gate.  Definitely a studio to watch for.  Despicable ME also marked the 1st of two super villain turned good guy themed cartoons with slightly deformed, yet adorably funny sidekicks called “minion/s” to come out in 2010.  I wonder if this is payback for Jeffery Katzenberg and Dreamworks plagiarizing Bugs Life with Antz, and Finding Nemo with Shark Tale.  Sorry Megamind.  Speaking of Dreamworks, besides the ho-hum Megamind (actually it’s a pretty entertaining film, just not GREAT), they definitely knocked one out of the park with How To Train Your Dragon.   The little film about a runt viking befriending one of the enemy, a dragon! And to think, it’s opening weekend wasn’t quite up to snuff.  Go figure.  Now of course there are talks of a sequel,  as well as an animated series.  I can’t foreget to commend the Dreamworks animators on some terrific creature design work, the Dragons were spectacular, especially Toothless who somehow managed to be both menacing and adorable at the same time.  Back to Despicable ME and the minions, best sidekicks in cartoon history!

9.  Shutter Island

Shutter Island is a love it or hate it type film.  Which is why I almost left it off my list, except for the fact that I really enjoy it.  There’s so much that works on many levels, the intricate set pieces that look like they could have been lifted off the 1950′s Universal lot, Robert Richardson’s moody cinematography, Schoonmaker’s perfectly restrained editing, one of the best actors working today in Dicaprio, and well, Scorsese.  The film follows U.S. Marshall Teddy Daniels, played with an unassuming urgency by Dicaprio, and his partner Chuck, Mark Ruffalo, who have been called to a maximum security prison/mental institution called Shutter Island  to investigate a prisoner escape, but almost immediately the Marshalls realize not everything as it appears.  It’s a throwback to film noir, a hardboilded detective story set against the backdrop of post WWII communist paranoia.  The films a faithful adaptation to the book of the same name written by Mystic River’s Dennis Lehane.   I prefered the uncertainty of Teddy Daniels fate in the film as opposed to the more explicit approach by the book.  Needless to say, Shutter Island is a great film by one of the finest directors to ever step behind the camera, and if nothing else, it’s worth watching just to see Marty get his thriller head trip noir on.

8. Winter’s Bone

Remember the name Jennifer Lawrence, who if it wasn’t for Natalie Portman’s career defining role in Black Swan could have quite possibly walked away with the Oscar for Best Actress for her performance as Ree Dolly, who’s a young girl from the Ozark’s raising her kid sister and brother because her mother is incapable, and her father’s a junkie.  The latter being the main catalyst for Ree’s tragically moving emotional journey, see Ree’s drug dealing junkie father has put the family house up for collateral on his bail, a bail which he has skipped and now the house could be taken right out from underneath them.  So Ree must do everything in her power to track down her father, in the face of  heartbreaking adversity the likes of which no human, let alone a teenager, should ever have to confront alone.  Winter’s Bone is a stark reminder of just how devastating drug addiction can be and how it destroys so much more than just the addict.  Oh, and speaking about Ree Dolly’s Jennifer Lawrence,  you’ll see her again in a little film called X-Men First Class playing a young Mystique...no biggie.

7.  Black Swan

One of the years best, but also one of the years most over hyped.  Don’t get me wrong, everything you’ve read or heard about Natalie Portman’s performance is spot on, it’s nothing short of the best performance, male or female, of 2010.  It’s a role that will undoubtedly shape her career as an actress from here on out.  I’m sure the quality of  screenplays coming her way will vastly improve as well.   I can’t help but wonder, how did George Lucas not manage to get even 1/10th of the raw energy she clearly poses for his embarrassingly awful Star Wars Prequels?  Oh right, it’s George Lucas.  On to the film itself, Black Swan could double as a psychological study of an artists maddening obsession brought about by internal and external forces demanding only the best.  It follows Nina Sayers who has just been cast as the lead in her company’s interpretation of Swan Lake.  Nina’s an exceptionally talented ballet dancer with text-book flawless technique, but lacks the emotional instincts needed to invoke an impassioned response from the audience .  A point made all too pointedly by the producer/choreographer Thomas Leroy, played with a menacing malevolence by Vincent Cassle, when he tells her she’s perfect for the white swan, but he’s still not convinced that she can fully embody the black.   Oh, and I should mention there’s a pretty decent scene with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis on a bed in their underwear.  Soft-core porn lesbian jokes aside, I still can’t quite figure out why every significant plot shift involves sex, and the film is full of incendiary sexual overtones.  Apparently I wasn’t the only one that noticed.   My only gripe with the film involves the director, Darren Aronofsky, who has proven to be more than a capable filmmaker, which is why it’s tough for me to see him falling into a dangerous place for a director, being identifiable by the trademarks in their work.  His films play as free-flowing narratives concerned with showing you what’s happening and refusing to offer interpretation of any kind.  There’s always an ambiguity about them, whether in a characters arc, or in the story itself.  I definitely don’t require exposition to explain every detail of a film, but I think a filmmaker is responsible for offering some connectivity and opinion to what they’re presenting on-screen.  I just see it as a cop-out to not pick a side of the story you’re trying to tell.     Well, at least he picked the most morally ambiguous comic book hero of all time next to Batman to serve as his first foray into a major tent pole status….hopefully he does a little better than Gavin Hood did.

6.  Exit Through The Gift Shop

The question everyone asks after watching this deftly hilarious documentary is whether or not it’s a hoax.  Regardless of the answer, the outcome is the same.   Bansky has managed to deconstruct the art world by showing that anyone can attain creative genius status with the right amount of hype.  Does overnight success, or borrowed ideas make an artist less deserving of public accolades?  There’s probably no right answer, but I will say one thing about Exit’s Thierry Gutta, he’s definitely more committed and willing to sacrifice a lot for his vision.  That’s gotta be worth something.  At any rate, Banksy deserves a lot of credit for making a an inspired, and exciting documentary about street art graffiti.

5.  The Town

A few things I learned from watching The Town; 1) Jeremy Renner CAN ACT, 2) Ben Affleck is a pretty damn good director, 3) Blake Lively CAN ACT.  Ben Affleck’s crime drama involving a gang of bank robbers from Charlestown, a neighborhood in Boston, is a tense tale about the consequence of being a slave to ones environment, and regardless of your upbringing you don’t have to settle for whats expected of you (kind of like how an A list actor was relegated by the gossip rags to a has been and has managed to become a critical and commercial success as a director).  Only weak aspect of the film for me was the relationship between Afflecks Doug MacRay, and Rebecca Hall’s Claire.  I just didn’t buy that they had forged the kind of depth needed for  a relationship to survive what theirs did.  The sharp dialogue, and thrilling action scenes more than made up for their relationships shortcomings though.  I’m a huge Ben Affleck fan and it’s looking like that Oscar for Good Will Hunting wasn’t a fluke after all.

4.  True Grit

The Coen Brothers are performing neurosurgery with True Grit, scalpel like precision that’s practically flawless.  It’s so finely crafted that you wonder how other filmmakers can’t seem to operate on the same level.  Trust me when I say, True Grit will be a course discussion in film schools across America for years to come.  And who would have thought that a remake of a so-so John Wayne vehicle from the 1960′s would wind up being the Coen Brothers most succesful movie ever at the box office.  True Grit’s a revenge story, one involving a witty, fast talking 14 yr old girl  by the name of Mattie Ross.  Mattie’s hell-bent on avenging the death of her father by having the man responsible, an almost unrecognisable Josh Brolin as Tom Chaney, arrested and hung.  To help in her journey she’s enlisted the service of Rooster Cogburn a local Marshall who everyone says has True Grit.  Rooster is played  by Jeff Bridges with a drunken two-step & accompanying drawl that I can only describe as a Wild West Jack Daniels swigging version of Jack Sparrow.   Along with Rooster, the man who “displays great poise”, Mattie’s also hired on Mr. LaBoeuf, played by Matt Damon.  LaBoeuf’s a confident self-assured Texas Ranger who’s “ever stallworth” and has his own reasons for wanting to apprehend Chaney.  Aside from the astute camera work here, True Grit’s the rare film where every single character is memorable in some way.  As much as Bridges carries the movie, Matt Damon’s LeBoeuf made it for me.

3.  Toy Story 3

Let me start by stating the obvious, Pixar is hands down the best studio making movies today.  Their track record is impeccable, execution flawless, and as a parent, I’d like to personally thank them for enriching the lives of my children with movies that serve not only as entertainment, but as opportunities to discuss real life issues, death (UP!), conservation (Wall-E), embracing diversity (Monsters Inc), no dreams to big (Ratatoulie), never give up hope (Nemo), and so on.  Now that I’ve gotten my personal love letter to Pixar out-of-the-way, let’s talk about the movie.  Toy Story 3 excels at every emotional aspect needed to drive a great film; humor, drama, action, danger, and most importantly heart.  At their core, Toy Story films have always made me feel like I was watching the inner workings of a very tight family unit.  One that we’ve had the privilege of watching grow and learn together by overcoming adversity.  After watching each new installment of the series, I’m always left feeling like loyalty is an invaluable personality trait that all of us should hope to exude, and the 3rd installment delivered all of that in spades.  From the daring prison escape, to my 2nd favorite movie scene all year, the landfill fire pit scene, to about as memorable a cartoon villain as we’ve seen in recent memory.  The characters are so interesting and likable, you just with their story didn’t have to end.  Unfortunately the Academy has a history of bias toward animated features, so I don’t expect Toy Story 3 to receive anything more than a nomination among the top 10 films, which it will, just watch, but if it were to win the top prize, I wouldn’t argue.  It’s clearly a shoe in to take the best animated feature…that one you can take to the bank!

2.  The Social Network

The definitive film for the 21st Century.   Make no mistake about it, Aaron Sorkin’s airtight screenplay and quotable dialogue are the main attraction here.  That’s not to say the actors are slouches, everyone excels, and Jesse Eisenberg proves that you can still be the awkward every man and carry a movie, Cera I’m looking at you!  And lets hope that Andrew Garfield’s performance is an indication of what to expect from the new Spiderman movie, because he was rock solid, and Timberlake just keeps getting better.   Was the movie suppose to vilify Zuckerberg, or just try to tell the story and let the audience decide?  I’m guessing the latter, as I walked away with a lot more admiration and respect for the guy.  I get it, he had a vision, was brilliant and beyond driven, and didn’t want any pessimism bringing that down.  I mean c’mon!  I would have fired Eduardo in a millisecond for being so negative and not seeing the big picture.  Aside from all the good I’ve already mentioned, Social Network also contains two of the best scenes captured on film all year, the rowing scene, and the opening scene with Mark and his girlfriend.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the guy directing the film isn’t half bad either.

1. Inception

Christopher Nolan is in a very rare pantheon for modern-day filmmakers, one where creativity is never sacrificed for the sake of commerce, yet commerce never suffers at the hands of creativity.  Inception is another film, like True Gritt, that will be studied and evaluated in film schools for years, especially for aspiring editors.  First and foremost, Inception’s a heist movie.  Don’t let the fancy mechanics of what’s being stolen, or where the crime takes place confound its basic premise.   It’s a heist movie set in an un-defined future starring Leonardo Dicaprio, AKA the most reliably bankable actor under 40, as Cobb, the leader of an outfit that specializes in extracting (er um stealing) ideas from the subconscious mind of their sleeping target.  He’s also a wanted fugitive in the U.S. which has left him unable to be with is children.  Cobb’s team invade and manipulate the targets dreams in order to gain access to otherwise unobtainable information.  I can’t even imagine how mis-used this technology would be if it were real and available today.   Obviously this skill set isn’t something you just acquire at any Junior College, unless Freddy Kruger happens to be your professor, so naturally the companies paying for Cobb’s service don’t like mistakes, and can afford to erase any if they have to.   A heist movie can only be as good as the team we’re following, and Cobb has a pretty solid team, from his right hand man, and all around well dressed badass Arthur, to the confident scene stealing Eames, there’s plenty of great characters that help propel the films multi-layered story telling forward.  And multi-layered it is, there’s one point in the film, and it’s the section of the movie that will be watched, rewatched and studied a million times by aspiring editors where Nolan is literally telling a story that’s occurring on four different dream levels all of which have their own rules in regards to time and how it affects the story’s outcome.  It’s a remarkable achievement in film editing, and I’m hoping that if Inception doesn’t win any other award come Oscar night, that Lee Smith wins the Academy Award for Film Editing.  The whole film is a technical marvel, from the jaw dropping cinematography by Wally Pfister, to the haunting horn stabs of Hans Zimmer’s score, to the fight scene in zero gravity complete with spinning walls, which were all fully built set pieces to accommodate the newly minted badass Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s performing of his own stunts.   Very little CGI was used in the film at all.  The films not only that though, it’s also a carefully crafted story of one mans fight to regain control of his own reality which will require him overcoming obstacles in his mind to reconcile his life in the real world.  I think that’s true for so many of us when dealing with adversity and growth opportunities.  Cobb even says something to that fact when they’re mapping out Fisher’s inception, “real inspiration and growth comes from internal catharsis”.  Inception challenges us to question our own perceptions of reality, and how easily it can be manipulated by external forces.  Case in point, the final scene of the movie that was clearly intended to stimulate dialogue about those very themes.  Was it a dream, was it real?  Had Nolan decided to forgo that final shot, you wouldn’t even be asking that question.  I’m not going to act like I have all the answers, because the only person that does is Nolan, but if you follow the film and pay attention to the rules established within it, then you should be able to come to a satisfactory conclusion.  Unless of course Nolan’s lying to us throughout the whole movie, but I can’t imagine he would.  Then again the only thing that really matters is our perception on how it ends, because perception is reality.

HONORABLE MENTIONS FOR GOOD:

11.  The Ghost Writer:  Polanski’s moody thriller slipped right by just about everyone when it was released in March.

12.  A Prophet: Rent this, you won’t be disappointed.  Unless of course you don’t like subtitles, and are bias toward bad assery on film.

13.  Kick Ass:  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy this film, but can we stop with everyone trying to deconstruct the super hero movie already?

14.  Monsters:  This super low-budget sci-fi survival movie is a decent little offering from first time director Gareth Edwards.  What he accomplished on a shoe string budget is crazy.  I would love to see this world more fully realized.  Let me state that the movie itself is not for everyone, and is actually rather slow.  I only included it here because it is miraculous what Edwards pulled off for next to nothing….something like 20,000-30,000 total.

15.  Tangled: Like I said, it was a strong year for animation.

16.  TIE!  Joan Rivers A Piece of Work & Waking Sleeping Beauty:  Joan Rivers is funny beyond her bad plastic surgery, and Waking Sleeping Beauty is an inside look at the Disney Animation Studios…very cool stuff.

WORST

Sex and the city 2 - I actually liked the series, didn’t love the first film, but thought it was a nice send off for the ladies and their fans.  This, this is about as offensive as anything I’ve seen all year.  Yes, women can only find happiness when basking in the glow of Louis Vuitton and Chanel.  What a tasteless, unfunny movie.  And to think, the writers had an amazing opportunity to really write something that could have been relevant, and impactful.  This movie was in production right when the economy went south, and instead of focusing on that and showing how the ladies got through the worst economic decline since the great depression, something that could have been socially uplifting for women everywhere, instead the writers thought it would be better to send them on a trip to Abu Dhabi just to complain about it the whole time.

The Last Air Bender: Oh M Night, how far you’ve fallen.  Admittedly I was always an Night apologist, even after Lady In the Water.  This, well, it’s in a rare list of movies I actually walked out of the theatre on.  That’s only happened 3 times in my life, This, The Island of Dr Murrow, and The Hudsucker Proxy.

Clash of the Titans: Keep it up Sam Worthington, and we’ll forget you were ever in Avatar.  What a disaster.  Everything about this was just subpar at best.

My Soul to Take:  There was a time, long, long ago when Wes Craven’s name actually meant something.

Knight and Day: They should have called this “The less interesting neighbors of Mr & Mrs. Smith”

Twilight Saga: Eclipse: Everyone of these movies is an utter embarassment to the process and art of filmmaking.

Best Movie Scenes

1. Inception: Hotel hallway zero gravity fight scene.  Sure, the rotating set piece was inspired by Kubrick’s 2001, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a brillaintly choreographed piece of awesome.  There’s a few other scenes from Inception that could have made the cut, most notably the final kick during the Fisher job that involved multiple people, and multiple dream worlds.

2.  How To Train Your Dragon – Hiccup taming toothless, Hiccups hand touching Toothless’ head!  WIN

3.  Toy Story 3 – Fire Pit Scene.  This, or Andy’s goodbye were up there, but this scene resonated on a deeper emotional level for me.  I was on the edge of my seat in the theatre.

4.  Social Network – The opening scene where Mark gets dumped.  ”Dating you is like dating a stairmaster” and in that opening scene the tone was set.

5.  Tron  Legacy- Final confrontation between CLU and Flynn.  This whole sequence was perfect to me.  Tron was actually a lot better than I had anticipated, mainly because the original is such a piss poor film that I coudn’t imagine why Disney would bother with a sequel.  I thought the sequel eclipsed the original on every front.

6.  Black Swan – Nina’s opening night as the black swan.  If you had any questions as to if Natalie Portman deserved an Oscar, well, this scene should answer that.

7.  Social Network – The regatta  Rowing Scene.  Breathtaking.  The tone, pace, all set perfectly to Trent Reznor’s score.  God I love David Fincher’s work behind the camera.

8. True Grit - Rooster’s introduction in court.  Hilarious, and the perfect way to introduce us to the character.

9.  The Town – The Fenway robbery.  This rivals some of the best crime/heist scenes in recent memory.

10. Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows – The animated sequene explaining the Horcrux.  This little cartoon packed in the middle of the next to last Harry Potter movie was a nice surprise.

MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIES OF TWO THOUSAND 11  (in no order)

Battle for Los Angeles – I’m pretty sure the war will not be won by some half wit redneck flying his crop duster up the ass of the alien mother ship, and I’m loving the Black Hawk Down with Aliens vibe.  The first trailer they released for this might be the best trailer I’ve seen in a long time.

Trailer #1

Trailer #2

Thor - It’s about time the Marvel Universe got mystical.  I know Favreau was trying very hard to keep Iron Man rooted in reality, but we’re dealing with comic books, reality doesn’t really work.  I can’t wait to see Loki, and Asgard, plus there’s rumors were even going to get Ice Giants!  Oh, and word on the street is Jeremy Renner will have his first shot on screen as Hawkeye with a cameo in Thor.

Captain America – The artist designs of the Red Skull are amazing, and we’re gonna get the cosmic cube!  Initially I thought casting Chris Evans was weird, just because he’s already suited up for another comic book character, but if you’ve seen Sunshine then you know the kid can act, so I’m willing to forget about his turn as The Human Torch.

WWII Era Steve Rogers...YES

Cosmic Cube!

Red Skull Artists Rendering....PERFECT

The Green Lantern – I love that the trailer makes this look like the balls to the wall galaxy spanning coolness that it should be.  I’m still not sold on Ryan Reynolds as Hal, or the suit, but The Lantern is my favorite DC hero behind Batman.  I love the mythology (the sci-fi one, not the orignial magic based Lantern), and think if done right, this could be one of the most entertaining comic book turned movie franchise.

OR THE ALTERNATE DEADPOOLIZED VERSION

Tree of Life – Tarrance Malick makes a movie every 10 years or so….and they tend to be pretty good.  This trailer definitely peaked my interest.  Let’s just hope the movie’s as poignant as the trailer suggests.

Contagion- Solid cast of Matt Damon, Kate Winslet, and Jude Law, combined with an always intriguing director in Steven Soderbergh, and you have one of my most anticipated movies of 2011.

Sucker Punck – Zac Snyder makes stuff look really cool, and this trailer is no exception.  A samuari warrior wielding a gatling gun?

X-Men First Class – Lots of comic book movies on my list for 2011.  That’s a good thing, and so is the fact that first class is going to be a 1960′s era mutant brawl fest with some young X-Men and Sebastian Shaw + The Hell Fire Club.

X-Men

Super 8 – JJ Abrams never disappoints.

Hugo Cabret - Scorsese’s first 3D movie, and first in at least a decade that doesn’t star Dicaprio.

Source Code – Duncan Jones said he wanted to direct a film with a little more action than his previous offering, Moon.  The trailer looks like Ground Hog Day mixed with Speed and Die Hard.  Count me in!

Moneyball- Brad Pitt playing Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane, sounds good to me.

Cowboys & Aliens – I got to be honest, I thought the trailer was really underwhelming, and seeing Harrison Ford phoning it in didn’t help either.  If it wasn’t for the intriguing concept and John Favreau it probably wouldn’t be on this list. Hopefully this isn’t another Wild Wild West.

The Anatomy Of A Hipster.

The Eddicted people in Utah (we’ll refer to them as Chad & Ashley’s) better watch their backs because there’s another ubiquitous cultural sub-set posed to take their spot as the most dominant species.  I give you, The Hipster.

Now the Hipster is by no means a new phenomenon.  They’ve been documented for years in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, NY, and they’ve been seen as far west as the Silver Lake area of Los Angeles, CA.  One thing is for certain, they try to stay near metropolitan areas, or at least the largest city in their respective state.  I don’t know if a city such as Omaha Nebraska would have sufficient resources to sustain hipster life.  Then again, the irony of a hipster in Omaha might be more than enough to create a hospitable environment.

The Hipster is a very clever breed.  They evolve quite frequently and often take up new appearances based on their social settings.  Essentially they can  alter their wants, likes, dislikes, and appearance at a moments notice and with little reason, logic or questioning from their brethren or pack.  This is what makes them difficult to stereotype or to generally classify.  One thing is for certain, The Hipster loves irony.   Irony is to The Hipster as spinach is to Popeye.  It’s that powerful, and essentially the life force that keeps things moving in it’s world.

Here’s an illustration that can come in handy if you find yourself confused as to if someone is a Hipster or not.  Now you may encounter someone that has one, or all of the following.  Don’t be alarmed if you do, strike up a conversation about music and name drop the following groups and you should be fine – Vampire Weekend, Devendra Banhart, Peaches (only when you’re doing coke), Kings of Leon (but bring up that they sold out on their new record and you liked them 4 years ago), Nick Cave, and Conor Oberst

Here’s a few other Hipster characteristics that have been verified, and confirmed to be true:

• Generally only likes music before anyone else…or if Pitchfork says it’s good.  They’ll never own up to liking a band once they’ve been on the radio or played in a venue that holds over 2,000 capacity.
• Likes PBR, Natural Light, and Bud Light beer.
• Likes the cheapest vodka you can buy, mixed with organic soda from Whole Foods
• Tries to stick to a vegetarian diet, but usually has a cheat day here and there where they’ll eat Big Mac’s, just because the people at McDonald’s are fat.
• Never exercises, unless you count riding their fixed gear to the bar as exercise.
• Smokes pot only to help them come down from having snorted coke all night.
• Hipster girls will make fun of any girl that does coke, while ironically always having a bag in their purse – “haha coke whore slut, hey vicki want some blow”?
• They like to take ecstasy, but only when a really good DJ is in town…ie for hipsters Steve Aoki or Girl Talk.  Of if they’re partying with jock type frat boys with ripped abs..
• They’ll buy all of their clothes from thrift stores except girls buy Zac Posen shoes, and really expensive purses and bags.
• Guys try to find vintage anything, loafers, sneakers, underwear, headbands.
• Mustaches are a sign of tenure.  You can’t just become a Hipster and expect to show up to a social function with an ironic mustache. They’re like a badge of honor.
• Hipsters love to dress up like white trash crays and attend Monster truck rallies, or Motor Cross events.

Now that we’ve addressed some characteristics, lets look a some sub groups within The Hipster species.

There’s the mail order Hipster, or as most would refer to as the Urban Outfitters Hipster.  They generally join the club for all the wrong reasons, they’re socially awkward, and only hope being a Hipster will mean more friends, and possibly more pussy.  They always look uncomfortable at the bar and nine times out of ten they’re wearing a smegma scarf or something else that might resemble a Palestinian freedom fighter outfit.   They also still maintain ties to the normal world, and can be found listing Coldplay as one of their favorite rock bands.

Cheerleaders turned Hipster are more common than one might think.  They graduate and all of the sudden they’re trading in their pom-poms and cheer outfit for an American Apparel tank top, leggings, fedora and a red bull with vodka.  Generally seen in the club in pairs…and there’s always one that looks like she’s completely out of her element…say hi to the transition hipster (C) (DJ JUGGY) on the right…  You can clearly tell she’s second guessing everything about her life right now…including whether or not to have anal sex later on.

The artsy Hipster.  They seldom leave the comforts of their own house…um…I mean rented 500 sq foot studio apartment.  They lounge around waxing poetic about the impact of Andy Warhol and whether or not Britney Spears is equivalent to our generations Sinatra.  They also spend their time taking “Point and Click” photography made famous by Terry Richardson.  This girls watching TV, only it’s not the TV we as normal people would watch, but she’s created something different, something cooler, something….ironic.

Every Hipster has a blog, at least any Hipster that’s worth a damn.  And they’ll spend all day documenting their completely yawn inducing lives…they’ll even take photos of the food they eat and the beer they drink.

Exhibit A and B

EVERY Hipster… rides a fixed gear bike.  This isn’t even debatable…if you want to be a Hipster you better get a fucking bike bro.

And when you’re not riding it…that fucking bike sits in your living room like a badge of honor.  It’s like saying…hey, Fuck you, if I want a gallon of Milk I’ll ride on my fixed gear to the fucking grocery store and buy it.  I don’t give two shits that bike technology has progressed so much that I can get a bike with 20 something speeds…uh uh…I want to take it back, back to the fucking essence of peddling my shit all the way down the street…in ONE IRONIC GEAR.

Oh, and you can’t play any video games that were developed after 1996 and that are higher than 16 BIT.

Hipsters do like rap music, on occasion.  It has to be retro inspired and mention a beeper at least once during the course of the album.

Hipster Porn at it’s best…

Again, maintain as close to a vegetarian diet as possible, but stock up on the following.   See, because it’s ironic to eat good and then snort copious amounts of cocaine.

Master the art of taking pictures outside, by the building you and your band rehearse in.  Only take photos when it’s cloudy or the Holga Camera won’t create the desired effect.

Black people can definitely do it too.  You’ll notice that you’ll gain acceptance that much quicker.

So what if Kanye wore em…me wearing cheap knock offs is IRONIC.

But if you want real respect, if you want that Hipster Juice…that throwing Bishop off the roof top juice, then you gotta stunt like this….

If you’re going to celebrate a Holiday…do it ironically.

Only hang out at dive bars, or really, really swank places that don’t really fit your thrift store attire.

Allow me to introduce you to their leaders…

Chloe

Vincent….or….THE Gallo

The Pedophile that runs American Apparel.

Okay, so you might be thinking to yourself, “what if I want to become a Hipster.  My advice is this…try to pattern yourself after one of the above mentioned, take my lifestyle advice, do everything opposite of the people you know and or the people you see on T.V.  Go to a real shitty dive bar, study the clothing, the mannerisms, the language, and then copy it all.  Basically anything that is perceived to be cool isn’t anymore.  Anything you hear people talking about positively must be garbage.  You only want the trash…the stuff others were to blind to see the beauty in.  Start shopping at thrift stores, and buy anything that fits.  If it seems crazy, chances are it’s totally awesome and you should do it.  Practice self deprecating humor…like…”Hey guys, look at my fat stomach how awesome right?  I’m going go keep eating pork tacos and drinking milk shakes cause it’s funny, but I’m going to dress like a Latina whore with stenciled eye liner”.

Remember, being a Hipster is a huge commitment…it requires you to live everyday like it’s opposite day.

*This post brought to you by the fine folks at Pabst, Coors Light, Red Stripe, Deseret Industries, American Apparel, and Steve Aoki.

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